This website is a work in progress. Like my life.
Innerbonding introduced me to deep emotional healing and some wonderful spiritual experiences.
Lately, I've been spending more time with The Work of Byron Katie. With her 4 questions and her turnarounds. I've been watching the workings of my inner world. The turnarounds are my favorites. He's a jerk. I'm a jerk. I had to do that one several times, to finally see my part in it. If I was making myself miserable by judging others and wanting them to change, I really was a jerk.
Then I started looking at abuse. I would have told you I had a long history of abuse. But all that occured a really long time ago. If I was feeling abused, now, who was abusing whom? I realized I was abusing myself with the conclusions I had drawn based on that abuse so long ago. I can be the victim of only my own thinking now and I'm willing to let it go. I've also had to own how I mistreated the people who, I thought, had mistreated me.
This has become my "how it is now" page.
I don't welcome upset, yet, but I can laugh at it most of the time.
I have had entire days free of fear.
I still am tempted and sometimes I still jump in.
I call it entertaining fear. It has never helped but this doesn't stop me.
Basically when I become aware of an emotion, it's too late to change it.
I have to let it run it's course. I try not to take it personally and just let it pass.
I never would have believed my life could be as good as it is now.
But it is still challenging. With awareness comes responsibility.
Please be gentle with yourself.
If your best friend or niece or nephew was feeling this way, how would you support and nurture them? Why would you treat yourself any differently?
Love, peace and healing, Monte
P.S. When we found out my Mom was dying, I wrote her a letter forgiving her for being angry and depressed. Some of my family got it. Most did not. It was the best I could do at the time. Doing The Work I have come full circle. I can see how she treated me affected me and I can see that she did the very best she could. I regret that letter now. If I could write it over, it would be filled with nothing but love and gratitude.
2007, pre Gangaji, I haven't started deleting or making major changes to pages.
When I do, this page, the page on Katie, Fearlessness will probably be different.