Spiritual Heartburn

 

For as long as I could remember                                         

I had a hole in my gut

I tried to fill it with addictions

And wound up in this rut

 

I spent my whole life

Trying to fill up this hole

Broken hearts and shattered dreams

Have taken their toll

 

I hated my parents

My school and my church

I did everything they said

And still wound up in this lurch

 

I bought their whole program

Hook, line and sinker

But my life still turned out

To be quite a stinker

 

Boy scout, altar boy

Oh yah, I got christened

But I never could find

Someone who actually listened

 

During that time

I was really quite haunted

Having to live without knowing

What I really wanted

 

Unhappy and empty

I didn’t know what to think

The example around me

Was Life’s a bitch, then you drink

 

I had a strange feeling

That love was the answer

I searched and I searched

For a cure for this cancer

 

I asked them for help

They loved me they told me

But the only way they showed it

Was to judge and to scold me

  

I didn’t know how to get love

But I knew how to get sex

So I was always on the prowl

Looking for my next ex

 

I was looking for love

In all the wrong places

It’s not easy to forget

The looks on their faces

 

I was a knee walking, snot slinging,

Commode hugging drunk

But when it came time to stop

I couldn’t climb out of that trunk

 

I landed in AA

With a suggestion quite odd

They said to make friends

With somebody named God

 

I told them forget it

I would have to be shown

I couldn’t do business

With the God I had known

 

They said to get quiet

And look deep inside

To see a part of myself

I had been forced to hide

 

Inside was icky

And scary and dark

But as I went further

I discovered a spark

 

As I went deeper

The spark got much brighter

And as I went deeper

I began to feel lighter

 

Letting go of my old ideas

Was the only price to pay

I can see clearly now

They never worked anyway

I had done bad things

The way the world judges one

I could not separate what I was

From what I had done

 

I blamed it on them

I was a victim, you see

But they’re all long gone

Now it’s me hurting me

 

In every problem

I have played a huge part

I never opened to learning

I just closed down my heart

 

I was rejecting myself

Just giving my power away

I needed to speak the truth

I had never been allowed to say

 

My self talk was so negative

I judged myself, constantly

I had to get outside help

There was nothing wrong with me

 

I finally got to tell myself

What I had always wanted to hear

That at my core, what I was

Was valuable, competent and dear

 

Between love and fear

Raged the battle for my soul

As I realized my true nature

I began to feel whole

 

I am Love

It’s not what I know

But what I experience

And what I let go

 

I was given a new way

Of looking at all the drama

All the bad things that happened

Were just working off karma

 

To forgive myself

I had to give up shame

To forgive you

I had to give up blame

 

Do not fear death

Said my inner guide

There is no otherness

On the other side
(I was not born, I will not die)

 

Let go of the past, let go of the future

Even wishing for atonement

Whatever freedom there is

Is only found in the moment

 

It can’t be this simple

It just takes awareness

To pause and relax

And breathe in the stillness

 

I had been asking for love

From people who didn’t have it

I had to find it in myself

And learn how to give it

 

What miracle of healing

Led me to this peaceful place

All I had to do was surrender

To be filled up with grace

 

I want to look good

So I argue quite heatedly

I can’t save my ass and my face

I’ve had to surrender repeatedly

 

I still have an ego

Twenty times normal size

But it’s the size of my heart

That matters in God’s eyes

 

With all this new freedom

There is only one thing to do

To try to stay humble

And to share it with you

11/22/81-11/22/06

 

 



FreeSiteDesigner.com